T-shirts so funny it hurts

Drawing attention to one's political, social or party attitude ('Pick Flowers Not Fights') with a fluorescent Eighties-revival Hamnett-esque 'commentwear' T-shirt, currently sold in bulk on the high street, is not quite so groovy as spelling out one's personal illness. Charities are currently competing to produce this year's proudest, most factually woeful and darkly comical T-shirt.

Wearers of the chest messages 'Got Morphine?', 'Chemo Commando' and 'Professional Pin Cushion' already back the American Cancer Society 'in fine style'. Diabetic charities are hot on 'Divabetic', 'Death By Chocolate (Seriously)' and 'My Pancreas Works On AAA Batteries'. Folk with cardiac defibrillators have 'I'm Wired' and 'Hi-tech Ticker'. Sufferers of strokes, arthritis, burns, epilepsy and brain tumours variously may sport 'Neural Construction Zone', 'Tour Guide At Chernobyl', 'Shaken Not Stirred' and 'I Have A Brain Tumour... What's Your Excuse?'

Asthmatics have 'iPuff' and 'Blow Me - I'm Asthmatic', prostate patients and incontinents have 'I'm Going With The Flow', dyslexics have 'Dyslexics Have More Fnu', and Tourette's sufferers have 'F*cking Tourette's. Sorry'. Wearers of 'Dude, Where's My Arm?' help fund the American Academy of Orthotists & Prosthetists. But all losers of an organ normally found in pairs (an arm, leg, eye, breast, testicle or kidney) are currently encouraged to sport the T-slogan 'Team Uno'. It is being debated whether it would be an insult or a message of solidarity for non-sufferers and non-patients to snap up these items. By August, could fashion students with weekend market stalls be combing medical text-books for ever rarer conditions?